Biography
The life of Daniel Pederson has been like a kayaking trip on PCP, a wild ride. His mother, a Chicago born prostitute named Roletta Pierce, died during his birth. His father, Rocky Pederson, was a military man. Born into a military family, young Daniel moved around a lot as a child. Rocky Pederson was a four star general, having served his country for nearly two decades. While Rocky was stationed in beautiful Juarez, Mexico, Dan Pederson took his first steps into adulthood.
It was in Juarez, where Rocky was fighting in the infamous Acapulco – Cancun War, that young Daniel was first lured into the dangerous world of cock fighting. As a young man who lived on a ranch, Daniel had access to several large cocks. Over the course of the next 2 years, Daniel spent every waking hour training these cocks for battle. It was here where he first showed his leadership potential, as he opened “Dan Pedersons House Of War”, the first ever cock-fighting arena in Juarez. He did this all at the tender age of 12. Unfortunately, due to certain animal cruelty laws, Dan was imprisoned for 3 years.
While in prison, as he was slowly becoming a man, Daniel had time to reflect upon his actions. No longer was he a free-spirited, young, cock fighting promoter. After reading a substantial amount of animal rights literature, Daniel emerged from prison as a staunch animal rights activist. In fact, Daniel was ready to leave Mexico all together and spread his word in the states. Upon being released from prison, Daniel was excited to see his father, and tell him of his impending departure. Unfortunately for Daniel, he never saw his father again. Rocky Pederson was killed in The Battle of Senor Frog.
Now parentless, Daniel relocated to the mean streets of Long Island, NY. It’s here where the seedlings of Dan Pedersons political aspirations began to bud. In high school, furious that his African American friends weren’t being treated as equals, Dan decided he needed to make a change. He decided the best way to make this change heard was to start a rap group. The name of this rap group was Dan P and The Crusaders, and their messages of racial unity were a hit. Not only did these raps help unite two socially diverse groups, but they also helped Daniel’s sex life. After the very first Dan P and The Crusaders concert, a boy became a man. Yes, Daniel lost his virginity.
After realizing that women were indeed turned on by men in a position of power, Daniel forged ahead into the wide world of politics. While attending one of New York’s most prestigious universities, Nassau Community College, Dan Pederson formed the NOABR: The National Organization Against Breast Reduction. Although the NOABR wasn’t as successful as he hoped, having only one fundraiser at a frat party, leading that organization did fuel his political fire.
Now, in 2007, Dan Pederson is more focused than ever. While he briefly entertained the thought of running for NY State Governor, that goal soon blossomed into Mr. Pederson wanting to become the 44th President of The United States. Sure, Daniel Francis Pederson might not be the most obvious choice to lead the most powerful nation in the world. But damnit, he is the only man that’s going to get the job done. Yes, he’s been imprisoned on multiple occasions. Yes, he is thrice divorced. Yes, he has 7 pending sexual harassment suits against him as of press time. Yes, he plays a weekly poker game with O.J Simpson. Yes, he has had to file for bankruptcy one two separate occasions, once because he spent every dime he had in order to create a “Battlebot”. But all of that’s irrelevant now. Dan Pederson is the only candidate that has the balls to pull our troops out of Iraq, fight for universal health care, lower taxes, end global warming, and do it all while looking good and rhyming. I know that having a wild card like Dan Pederson running the country might be a little scary, but like every good roller coaster, it’ll be scary at the beginning, but when it’s over you’ll want another ride. America, the waters warm, so get your balls wet.
